This post is the second in a series of four and is aimed at helping Charlotte from Benwell in Newcastle upon Tyne, who wrote in asking for help and guidance as her relationship and home life was becoming increasingly unbearable.
If you missed that post, you can access it here.
In our previous post we spoke about what self-esteem is and outlined some of the areas that can diminish your feeling of self worth.
In this post we will investigate other areas that impact self esteem, then begin to look at what YOU can do to rebuild your own self-esteem.
Did you identify with any of the areas listed in our previous post?
If not, read on and see if you belong to any of the following categories:
As a child, did you suffer any form of bullying outside the home, and do you feel that your parents were emotionally uninvolved?
If your primary caregivers downplayed your traumatic experiences as a child or simply did not acknowledge them then that could have left you feeling unworthy, and undeserving of attention, which perhaps precipitated feelings of anger.
Similar feelings would also be evoked if your home life was chaotic. Your caregivers may have been so consumed by their own problems that there was little to no room for your struggles.
When anger has not been the prevailing reaction to this, many children have retreated and developed feelings of isolation and shame.
Did your caregivers make you feel stupid?
If a houseguest accidently breaks a glass or spills something on the carpet you are unlikely to respond by saying:
“Now look what you’ve done, you clumsy idiot. That’s going to cost a fortune to replace!”
Yet many parents feel it is entirely appropriate to speak that way to a child whom they are supposed to love and support.
This can lead to feeling of defectiveness and you doubting your own smartness.
In school – with no one stepping in to help you – you may feel terribly self-conscious about expressing your own views or opinions.
This in turn can translate to an adult who readily accepts that he or she simply wasn’t blessed with much intelligence and are willing to take someone else’s lead rather than forging their own path in life.
So, to all parents out there:
Be careful what you tell your children – they might believe you.
Trauma
As much as we can speak of situations in which we have placed ourselves, sometimes we are placed in a physical or emotional position against our will.
It can severely impact upon our ability and willingness to trust our own judgement others or even the opinions of loved ones.
We may have felt the need to dissociate or check out of a situation in order to cope with chaos or abuse.
We may feel that we need to shoulder blame and responsibility for actions done to us rather than by us.
Self-esteem is a major casualty of such an experience but not the only one, to be sure.
If you fall into this bracket, please know that you are not alone (although it can seem like it). I would advise consultation with a health professional and to perhaps find a group where you can speak to similar survivors of the type of trauma you are going through – they can be a real lifeline!
Belief Systems
I’m not just speaking of religion here but any belief system imposed by an authority figure.
How many of us as a child has performed an action to garner the accolades of a parental figure?
Many parents will applaud their children as they pass an open packet of sweets around household guests, inspiring such outward comments as:
“Oh. Look isn’t he / she caring?” or “What a lovely child.”
The idea behind this, of course, is that we are teaching the child to be caring and giving. The child can easily align themselves with our beliefs as parents.
But what happens when your beliefs differed from that of your caregivers?
If the caregivers do not promote, individuality and self-expression then this can evoke feelings of guilt, shame conflict and even self-loathing.
Society and the Media
If you really want to feel like you don’t measure up to societies view of what you should be then all you have to do it pick up a fashion magazine, turn on a television or log onto another source where the media will outline your imperfections quite starkly.
As media access is allowed to impressionable children they are subjected to unfair comparisons and expectations very early in life, which can impact development and of course, self-esteem.
Our Self-Esteem Guide
We have seen that there are many elements that can damage your self-esteem. What I am going to share with you now is a PROVEN way of building both your self –esteem and your quality of life.
If you are serious about building your own self-esteem, please complete the exercise I offer at the end of this post. You will be amazed by the results of doing this in just one week.
According to Nathanial Brandon – Mentioned in our previous post – a recognised psychologist who specialised in and led research in self-esteem, there are six elements that make up self esteem.
Improvement in any of these areas will result in a rise in self-esteem.
Improvement in all six areas will result in a life in which you are more likely to:
- Feel that you are perfectly equipped to cope with the basic challenges of life.
- Naturally command a certain level of respect from others.
- Feel comfortable expressing your views and opinions.
- Select a ‘better quality’ of relationship with others.
- Feel like you are deserving of happiness.
Living Consciously
The First Element of Self Esteem is living consciously.
If we were to look to any mindfulness book there lies the suggestion that we are ‘sleepwalking’ through life.
This isn’t a meditation or mindfulness post but there are areas of living consciously that directly impact your self-esteem and that’s what I want to tackle:
Consciousness, in this sense, is the ability to be aware of the environment in some form and use it to guide our action accordingly.
We can seek truth and the reality of a situation or we can ignore or actively avoid it.
I may want to purchase a car for example but in so doing I would not have enough money to cover the rent. Does my desire for a new car outweigh the reality of the situation and make the new car a rational choice?
I may have been unintentionally unkind to a friend or family member but instead of facing the truth and reality of the situation, I don’t want to look foolish so I offer an excuse to defend my actions.
The above are examples of avoiding conscious living:
Living consciously includes:
- A mind that is active rather than passive.
- Being in the moment without losing the wider context.
- Reaching out toward relevant facts, rather than to withdraw from them.
- Distinguish between facts, interpretations and emotions.
- Noticing when you avoid or try to deny painful realities.
- Being receptive to new knowledge and being willing to re-examine old assumptions.
- Being willing to see and correct mistakes.
- Being concerned to know where you are in relation to your various goals and projects and whether you are succeeding in them (then taking the appropriate action).
- A concern to know your own internal needs and motives.
- A concern to look at your own values, feelings and actions.
So many people avoid living consciously because to live consciously might mean identifying negative habits, actions and people that are not serving you and removing them from your life.
It would mean looking at your own actions (free from excuses and explanations) and examining the impact that they have upon yourself and upon others.
We are habitual creatures and any change, no matter how positive or well intentioned is a brave move. If self-esteem is something you wish to possess, then change is necessary to move forward.
The Method
The following is a proven method that does work, and requires work from you.
I’d like you to spare twenty minutes a day (ten in the morning and ten in the evening) to do the following exercise, which draws upon some of the benefits of CBT and NLP to reprogram your thought process, increase self understanding and self-esteem.
First thing in the morning before you start your days activities, take out a pen and paper and write out the following incomplete sentence stem:
1. Living consciously to me means…
Once you have done this, write six to ten endings as fast as you can. Don’t give yourself time to craft an appropriate answer and don’t worry if what you write is literally true or makes sense. The only rule is, your ending must be a grammatical completion of the sentence.
You might write for example, Living Consciously to me means:
… Really listening to my children.
… Remembering the things I have to do today.
… Noticing how I’m affected by things other people say or do.
… Noticing how other people are affected by things I say or do.
Once you have done this do the same for the following sentence stems:
- If I bring 5% more awareness to my activities today…
3. If I pay more attention to how I deal with people today…
- If I bring 5% more awareness to my most important relationships today…
At the end of the day, take out your pad and pen and write six to ten endings for the following stems:
- When I reflect on how I would feel if I lived more consciously…
- When I reflect on what happens when I bring 5% more awareness to my activities…
- When I reflect what happens when I bring 5% more attention to my most important relationships…
Sentence completion done in this way is a tried and tested and deceptively simple method for identifying thought processes / patterns and internally committing to grow.
Do this for one week without missing any days and you should begin to see a rise in your self esteem.
I hope this has helped.
Our next post will look at the next stage in improving your self-esteem.
If you have any questions / comments about this blog or have a question you’d like to ask Claire, then please do so in the comments section below.
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