Charlotte in Benwell, Newcastle upon Tyne asks:
Hi Claire, I’m using a false name here but would still appreciate some advice.
My husband has been out of work for a while. He’s grossly out of shape, grumpy and spends most of his time in front of the PlayStation.
When he was working he’d go for a run every morning, took a pride in how he looked, watched what he ate and was really nice and supportive. He keeps saying that he needs to exercise but never does.
I don’t know what to do; it’s putting a strain on our relationship. Underneath it all I know he’s a wonderful man, I just want to help him be that again.
Claire Says:
Hi Charlotte, I’m sorry to hear that your husband and you are going through this.
Your situation is not uncommon, particularly in the current climate. People across the UK are being asked to dramatically compromise their living and working life due to the restrictions placed upon us by Covid-19. It is something that has weighed heavy on the minds of our clients at our Osteopathy Newcastle clinic.
If we needed a clear definition on how dramatically mental health can affect physical health then this pandemic and the resulting lockdown has certainly done it!
To help with your situation Charlotte, I’m going to walk you through a process of building self-esteem.
This is such an important topic there is too much information to fit into one post. I am therefore going to divide this into four posts, by the end of which you will have a complete working method and understanding on how to raise your own self-esteem.
Make sure you subscribe to our newsletter here to be alerted of future posts in this series.
Choice
I firmly believe that we are defined by the choices we make, but also recognise that with poor mental health, making the right decisions for your own wellbeing is not always straightforward:
You can choose to exercise, socialise with people that have a positive impact on you and eat foods that leave you both energised and satisfied. You can also choose to perform activities that affirm your own interests and worldview.
If you constantly make these positive life-affirming choices then the chances are you will be better equipped to deal with the negativity that can and will be thrust upon you from time to time. As a result, your mental health will be stronger; you will make better decisions, which quite naturally, has a direct impact upon improving your physical health.
What Is Self-Esteem?
Self-esteem is a popular phrase that has been passed around for many years, and even become fashionable – but that is not to say that it is any better understood than it was when William James first coined it back in 1890.
The popular conception is that self-esteem is merely a psychological synonym for confidence. It is however so much more than that.
Having a high degree of self-esteem does not guarantee a high degree of confidence and self worth but its lack dramatically decreases the chances that you will attain those qualities.
Before providing you with a psychologically tried and tested method for growing your self-esteem, I am going to provide you with a definition.
Why?
One is unlikely to hit a target if they are aiming in the dark. You will be far more equipped to build your own self-esteem if you know what it is and the elements that make it up.
“Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change.”
The definition above is not mine; it belongs to Dr. Nathaniel Brandon – required reading by psychology degree students and generally recognised as a leading authority on Self-Esteem.
In his book ‘The Six Pillars of Self Esteem’ Dr. Brandon speaks of observing his dog, gleefully jumping and playing in the garden. He was (he says) sure that the dog was NOT thinking that he needed to be happier than the dog next door in order to be fulfilled.
This simple recollection captures for me, the essence of self-esteem:
- You are appropriate to life; you have a right to exist, to express yourself and to be happy.
- You move toward life rather than away from it.
What Damages Self Esteem?
According to ‘Psychology Today,’ Dr. Nathaniel Brandon and the NHS – the main factors that have a damaging impact upon your self-esteem are as follows:
- Disapproving Authority Figures
It is difficult to grow up with a positive self-image, if those whom you were meant to turn to for support and encouragement continually put you down and made you feel like you weren’t good enough. As an adult you may feel the same, perhaps lead to you feeling like a fraud, and being afraid to express your views and opinions.
- Uninvolved/Preoccupied Caregivers
Perhaps your caregivers were not disapproving but were simply absent when it mattered most – all of your personal achievements (of which you should be proud) were not even worth their time. This often leads to a feeling that you are forgotten and unimportant. It also leads to a feeling that you are not accountable to anyone. As you advance in years you may also feel that on some level you need to apologise for your existence.
- Authority Figures in Constant Conflict
Children absorb the negative emotions and distrustful situations that are modelled by parents that constantly fight and argue. The experience is scary and leaves the child in a constant state of panic or being on edge because of the unpredictable nature of their parents. You can grow up with a distorted view on what a positive relationship is and also feel tainted – as though you somehow contributed to or caused the toxic environment in which you were raised. Many people report on them being a ‘toxic’ person, to be avoided.
- Bullying Outside the Home with Unsupportive Caregivers
Many people are bullied as a child and most schools do what they can to minimize the damage caused by this. If you already feel unsafe at home and this torture continues outside your home then typically you can be plagued with feelings of being abandoned, lost and that existence and to want something better is simply hopeless. Your self-image is so low that anyone who befriends you is doing you a favour. This is because essentially, in your minds eye, you are worthless and that people must have a self fulfilling reason for being with you because you are simply not worthy.
- Overly Supportive Parents
Perhaps this should be re-titled ‘misguided support.’
If your parents were indiscriminately supportive of you and all you did regardless of the evidence that the outside world presented, then that can leave you completely unprepared for facing life outside the parental home. You may find yourself ill equipped to deal with the ‘normal’ challenges of everyday life and to be very mistrustful of your caregiver’s opinions.
You may also find yourself hiding many of your achievements because you don’t feel like they are ‘good enough,’ and you can find yourself presenting a fixed mind set, where setbacks are taken more as personal insults.
Think of the child who is told that he / she is a genius, regardless as to what the outside world has to say. Instead of praising the effort that has gone into achieving an exam grade, the parents praise the grade itself.
The child then identifies with the grade and derives a feeling of self worth from that. Then the child does not achieve that grade and the child takes it as a comment on his / her own self worth.
Misguided support will often leave a child growing up with a feeling that they are ‘not good enough.’
Thank you for reading post 1. In our second post I will break self esteem down into its constituent parts and we can begin the work of building self-esteem.
I hope this information has helped you Charlotte and you, the reader if you are suffering from similar problems.
If you have any questions / comments about this blog or have a question you’d like to ask Claire, then please do so in the comments section below.
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